More Shtuff People Don’t Say

Inspired by the above YouTube video. It’s my goal to never come up with an original idea myself. Let’s add to the list of Sh*t Nobody Says.

  • I don’t hear nearly enough about the Kardashians
  • You should post more often about food on Facebook.
  • ABC has the best sitcoms.
  • I love inauthentic Mexican food.
  • It’s okay, because I don’t have a black friend.
  • I wish I could visit Detroit.
  • I love a woman in Crocs.
  • I really wish you spent more time on your iPhone.
  • I hope my mom joins Twitter.
  • Let’s MapQuest it.
  • Jay-Z needs to stop being so humble.
  • Your World Series Champions, the Seattle Mariners!
  • I miss MySpace.
  • My favorite part of Disneyland is California Adventure.
  • “Cars” was the best Pixar movie, hands down.
  • Tell me about your workout today.
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How to Be a Famous Baseball Sportswriter

Baseball is one of the most popular games in the country, which is why thousands of fans every year try their hand at becoming a professional sports journalist, reporting on national and regional baseball news for the rest of the world. But baseball journalism is a competitive industry, and becoming a great baseball journalist requires a number of different skills. That is why below I will offer my step by step guide to becoming a baseball sportswriter.

Step 1: Get Hired As a Sportswriter

This is crucial. You cannot be a baseball sportswriter if you are not hired by a company to be their sportswriter. Without an employer, you are just a blogger, and those people suck and smell.

Step 2: Find Sources

Your next step is to generate sources. Sources are defined as people that tell you things. Ergo, you need to find people that have opinions. Ask your friends if they have opinions, and talk to family members to see if they have opinions. It’s also a good idea to find people that know someone that knows someone that may or may not know someone that works for the organization you are covering. That will allow you to say “Sources close to the organization” which is important for the next step.

Step 3: Report Ambiguous Information

Your next step is to report on information that is unfalsifiable and leaves room for error. Reporting on actual news would be a problem, because your sources could be wrong. Never name your sources, but indicate that they have knowledge of the industry by claiming that you cannot name for reasons that are either unspecified or will hurt the delicacy of the information. For example, “sources that wished to remain anonymous due to the delicate nature of these trade talks stated….” It’s a well known fact that baseball general managers make decisions based on how many people know about the decisions. They are very sensitive like that. So this type of reporting will be recognized for its insight and you will gain authority with your readers.

Step 4: Compose Ambiguous Tweets

Here is where you can really shine as a sportswriter. Twitter allows you to compose 160 character messages that sound like news, but do not actually need to be news, in order to continue establishing yourself as a leading sportswriter in the industry. The keys to a successful tweet are as follows:

  • Always present a mystery team.
  • Freely claim budget is an issue.
  • Choose teams in need of a good player.
  • Give yourself outs so that you can’t be wrong.
  • Mention sources.

Craft trade and free agent signing speculation as you would MadLibs. Fill in the blank, and remember to use hashtags:

  • Sources: Team 1 and Team 2 may make a play for Great Player.
  • Former Baseball Exec told me that Team 1 wants to sign Great Player, but budget is an issue.
  • Great player expecting to decide in the next week. #RandomTeam1 #RandomTeam2
  • Team 1 willing to make a big trade, but may hold steady if trade partner is unavailable.
  • Team 1, Team 2, and Mystery Team are interested in Great Player.
  • Heard This: Great Player offered a potential contract from Team 1, but hoping to get more.
  • Spoke with source close to Team 1. Wants to sign Great Player but only if the price is right.
  • Source told me that Great Player makes sense in a lot of ways for Team 1, but not sure if it’s in the budget.

The key is to develop Tweets that are always true, but read like they’re news. This way you can keep your Twitter Timeline updated regularly with information that reads like news, and get your Tweets posted all over the Internet and gain followers. Don’t forget that anyone can be a source, and “makes sense for a team” has nothing to do with whether or not a team is actually going to sign the player. Watch how this works: The Los Angeles Angels are going to trade Mike Trout to the Seattle Mariners for Chone Figgins. Now you can report on how a source close to the Angels (I once visited Disneyland) has stated that the Mariners and Angels are looking at a Figgins for Trout swap. #Mariners #Angels

Step 5: Make the Occasional Wild Claim

“Source: Team 1 on the verge of signing Great Player.” Finally, to build notoriety, you need to occasionally be the first to report major news stories. Since you do not have any information that allow you to know major news stories before they happen, take the time to guess based on what limited information is already available. For example, if a baseball team is in need of a highly coveted free agent and has the budget room, randomly Tweet “Heard from a Source: Team 1 is about to sign Great Player” and if it happens within the next 24 hours you get credit. If not, there is no accountability on the Internet anyway, and you can always claim that your source was incorrect or that talks fell apart due to budgetary constraints. For trades, wait until someone else reports that a trade between two teams is on the verge of happening, then randomly guess players involved.

Step 6: Get Tail

By now you have already developed a reputation as one of the leading baseball sportswriters. You can use your vast amounts of wealth to wine and dine athletes and baseball executives or to buy yourself an expensive new iPhone so that you can Tweet the latest rumors and gossip on the go. Just remember: Always be vague, don’t waste your time with real information, and blame your invented sources when it looks like you may be wrong and you will easily go far in the field.

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Question and Answer with Dr. Ryan Atpolis

Dr. Ryan (Ry) Atpolis is a world renowned physician, with expertise in pediatrics, obstetrics, optometry, philosophy, psychology, and veterinary medicine. He has gracefully lent some of his spare time to SaystheLiar.com to provide answers to our reader’s health questions.

Q: Hi Dr. Ry. Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of stress. My girlfriend left me a few weeks ago, I’ve been having fights with my family. I feel intense anxiety every morning. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. Any advice?

~Lost in Davis

I’m sorry to hear that, Lost in Davis. The unfortunate part of being human is that sometimes the bad things can feel like they group together causing an increase in stress that can be hard to manage. One of the best forms of stress release is a good cry. That’s why I’d like to recommend at least four doses of military grade pepper spray. Spray on each eye in rapid succession and you’ll find that the stress just melts away. Thanks for writing.

Q: Dear Dr. Ryan,

I’m in my mid to late 80′s and I’m starting to really feel the signs of aging. My health is deteriorating, my energy level is low… Even though I’ve lived a full and healthy life there are so many more things I want to do – so much more that I want to accomplish! Yet without this energy, I find it hard to do much more than sit at home and watch TV. Is there any way to regain some of that vitality I had in my youth so that I can stay active and continue to enjoy life?

~Asleep in Seattle

You know, it would be great if we could all live forever with the health and energy we had in our twenties. I remember a time when I was a fit, active, sexually virile young man, and now there are days when even I feel like just a shell of my former self. Still, anti-aging medicine has come a long way, and there are effective ways to boost your overall energy levels and feel that rush of adrenaline you used to feel in your youth. Before you go to bed, I recommend taking a healthy dose of military grade pepper spray. Make sure you get it all over your face to really feel its benefits. Thanks for writing.

Q: Dr. Atpolis,

Thanks for taking time out of your day to answer these questions. I really appreciate it. My question is a little unorthodox. I don’t have any health questions per se, but I did want to ask you a little about your job. Often you’re working in close proximity to all types of people with varying personalities, some of whom have likely taken dangerous and personality altering drugs like marijuana. I was wondering – have you ever been threatened or felt in danger while trying to treat a patient?

~You See Dave Is Cool

Well Dave, I wish I could say that my job was 100% safe all of the time, but unfortunately yes, I have been threatened on a regular basis. Just the other day, in fact, I had a patient that came into my office holding hands with her boyfriend, and I could tell they were about to attack so I had a nurse come in and kick them both in the stomach before spraying them in the face with pepper spray. A few weeks ago I had a patient with severe stomach discomfort. He tried to attack me by grabbing his stomach and leaning over and crying. I squirted him in the face with pepper spray, called security and had him arrested. Being a well-paid doctor has its dangers. Thanks for your question.

Q: Dear Dr. Ry. I feel like I’ve been getting sick more often recently. I’ve had a cold 3 times already this year, the flu once, tonsillitis, and shingles. These illnesses are driving me crazy. I’m missing work, I’m losing touch with my friends. But I’m only 26 years old and I should be in the peak of health. Is there anything I can do?

~Ows It Hurted

It sounds to me like you have a weakened immune system. This happens to a lot of young people that forget to integrate forms of “active resistance” into their lifestyle, in order to improve their NK Cells and augment their overall immune system. A few times a week, you should go to a public place like a park and sit down quietly. Then every once in a while move your left arm. Not that much – you don’t want to over-exert yourself. Just do it in a slightly visible manner to initiate your active resistance. Then shoot yourself in the face with military grade pepper spray. Thanks for writing.

Q: Dr. Atpolis. I’ve had issues with my daily health recently. On the one hand, I’m overweight, and trying to cut back on caloric intake in order to shed some fat. On the other hand, I feel like I’m not getting enough nutrition to satisfy my daily requirements. Any ideas?

~Vegetable Lova

You’re in luck, Vegetable Lova! The pure capsaicin found in high doses of military grade pepper spray has been deemed a vegetable by the FDA. It’s low in calories, and many unverified researchers in small sample studies have found that capsaicin has thermogenic qualities that promote weight loss. Thanks, and happy eating.

Q: Dear Dr. Atpolis,

I’m 19, pregnant, and struggling with my finances. I’m concerned about the health of the baby, and worried that my financial stress may cause the child to experience stress in the future. I’ve attended several peaceful functions hoping to garner support for those suffering like I am, but I was wondering if there is anything I can do to help raise my child safely.

~Sea Preggo

Ah yes. It seems everyone is suffering from that condition these days. I recommend military grade pepper spray to the eyes and mouth. Clear that thing right up in just three days. Thanks for writing.

That’s all the time Dr. Atpolis has for the day. I’d like to thank Dr. Ry Atpolis for taking time out of his busy schedule to answer these reader’s questions. Tune in next week when Dr. Atpolis will show you how to perform brain surgery on yourself using nothing but a flash bomb and gumption.

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Shaking My Head (SMH) Tweets Translated (the LOL Antonym)

Wikipedia Founder Jimmy Wales Wants to Know if You Can Spare Any Change

 

Dude said I might have to work tomorrow smh what is a day off?

I am an hourly employee scheduled at the whim of the manager. Just last week he informed me that tomorrow was my day off, but recently he has called me to say that he may need my assistance. I was looking forward to my day off. I shake my head in resignation.

smh i really do need to go to sleep smh long day tomorrow yall come out to the Affinity Fashion Show at 8pm it is at the Civic Center

Tomorrow is quite the long day, as I will be attending a fashion show to which I am clearly not a participant. It will be such a long day that I have vigorously shaken my head twice in an effort to wake, even though I am trying to go sleep shortly, thus performing a counterproductive movement. I shake my head in resignation.

All these eggs in my mentions smh..

Call the doctor quickly! It appears that my ova have fallen out of my fallopian tubes and are now in my unmentionables! However, since I have mentioned them, they are no longer unmentionable! Oh well. I shake my head in resignation.

Ahhhh nap time since I have to be up at 7!!! Smh! ??

Everyone! Hey everyone! Wake up! I have to take a nap because I will be up early tomorrow! I shake my head in resignation! … or do I?

I’m parched….I can’t say I’m thirsty cuz then y’all goin think I’m dm’n erbody on my tl smh

I am thirsty. This is very important for me to tell everyone on my Twitter, because all of my followers care that I am thirsty. However, I am concerned that you think thirsty is an innuendo for oral sex, and that by announcing it on Twitter you will think that I am lending my mouth out to everyone, so I must use a synonym to clarify. I shake my head in resignation.

Yo I’m dead in here singing the dsu song and my roommate doing the beat ! Ctfu we two lames that cnt sleep smh

I am quite tired, as is my roommate who is awake with me. Based upon my spelling you can tell it is not my college roommate, but rather a young lady that works at the drive through with me. It is hilarious that we are singing a song together, so much so that I crack up with laughter! But no, we’re lame for engaging in such a frivolous activity. I shake my head in resignation.

Funny how terrortorial I am, but I’m not jealous Smh

My significant other is clearly cheating on me with numerous people but I have decided to pretend I do not care. Still, it should be noted that when I feel someone has trespassed on my property, I turn into a mass murdering lunatic. I shake my head in resignation.

finally inside..pilt.. still tryna roll sumthin up lmao smh

I have finally made it home from a long day of doing nothing! Now, at last, I can make that sushi roll I had been craving since breakfast. First I laugh my ass off! But then I shake my head in resignation.

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The Wisdom of Words with Friends

LOL is the worst thing to happen to the English language since Nebraska.
“lol” is never an acceptable word. It is a bald man drowning.

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That Time I Was Hit On By a Wrong Number

My friend Ivy was out of the country. She asked me to text her landlord to get his email address. She gave me the wrong number, and this was part of the result:

Me: Hi. I am a friend of Ivy’s, who I believe is your tenant. She asked me if I could get her your email address so she can email you something about her apartment.

It: Are you fluent in dervish?

Me: Am I fluent in Muslim Monk? Not anymore.

It: Friend of Ivy’s, What is your name?

Me: (name)

It: Can I call you (retarded version of name)?

Me: You may not.

It: By the way, you totally have the wrong number.

Me: This is my surprised face. Thanks. Enjoy your day.

It: So the question needs to be asked. Are you a man or a woman?

Me: Very male.

It: Well we were having a debate at my company Christmas Party. Prove it was the voted response.

Me: I think ERA is a flawed pitching metric and that RBIs and runs are a poor indicator of individual batter contributions. I’m also really really good at driving.

It: What dude, we wanted a pic!

Me: Imagine Brad Pitt if his genes were spliced with the sparkly dude from that Twilight movie.

It: Edward or Jacob?

Me: Whichever one sparkles more.

It: What’s up with you and Ivy?

Me: I’m a big fan of plants that grow in brick mortar and/or cause itchy red welts during hikes.

It: Hikes being a euphemism?

Me: No. Welts was the euphemism. Hikes was literal.

It: So how old is your wife?

Me: Which one

It: How long have you been Mormon?

Me: Actually, I’m an Islamic Mormon of latter day Buddhists.

It: Are you Asian? And about this picture request.

Me: I am not.

It: Were you made in the 70’s?

Me: Am I getting something that makes this relevant?

It: Is something a euphemism?

Me: No. That would be “getting.” Someone needs to brush up on their urban dictionary.

It: Sorry, I don’t speak Muslim Monk.

Me: There is probably a Rosetta Stone for that somewhere.

It: I’m not familiar with Rosetta Stone but again I’m under 30.

Me: So am I. And they are those yellow boxes they sell at the mall to teach foreign languages.

It: By the same token, I do not want a Zhu Zhu pet because I am over 20.

Me: Your attempts to gauge my age are not subtle.

It: Then just fucking tell me.

Me: I don’t know what a zhu zhu pet is.

It: Do you own handerpants?

Me: I don’t know what those are but they sound amazing.

It: They are great for night blogging. You can probably find them at Archie McPhee

Me: I could also poke some badass holes in an old sock and rock it oldschool.

It: Well played Sir.

I received texts from this number for a few weeks after this before the person was upset I wouldn’t send a photo like they did on MySpace and stopped messaging me.

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My Favorite App is the One That Turns My iPhone into An Android

Chris at Helpdesk: Hello T! My name is Chris, and I’ll be your Help Support Contact.

Chris: Please click on the link below for downloading the firmware onto your computer. 

Chris: http://mumbojum.bo/otherstuff

T: I think this is the file I already tried downloading from http://samsung.com/slashstuff. The problem is the TV doesn’t recognize the file as-is and if I double click on the file per the PDF instructions, it just opens in a text editor rather than unzipping a number of files as stated in the instructions.

Chris: Okay, please copy all of the unzipped files to the USB and try to connect it to the TV. 

T: I don’t have any unzipped files – that’s what I’m saying: the .exe file on the website (and the one you sent me) does not decompress to show multiple files, it just opens as gobbledegook in Text Editor. Could you email me the files?

Chris: Have you double click [sic] on the .exe file?

T: Yes! And it defaults to open in Mac Text Editor.

Chris: Okay, can you try using a Windows PC?

T: Hang on, let me just magic a PC out of thin air.

Chris: Sure, go ahead. 

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Quote

His Whole Family is Famous

At dinner event for a local politician, during a game designed to be fun and encourage young voter participation.

Leader: “Let’s play a game! I will name a quote, and the first person to name the individual that says the quote will win a prize! Okay, first quote: ‘we don’t know where it will lead. We just know there’s something much bigger than any of us here.’ Who knows it?”

Voice: “Steve Jobs!”

Leader: “Excellent! You get [this inexpensive soap]!” Okay, next quote: ‘Look at this tree, Shifu: I cannot make it blossom when it suits me nor make it bear fruit before its time.’”

Voice 2: “Master Oogway! From Kung Fu Panda!”

Leader: “That’s right! Haha! You get this [some type of ugly maroon napkin set]. Okay, next one. I don’t expect you guys to get this one because I know people your age are not very fond of reading up on quotes, but I wanted to see how educated you guys are. Okay, here goes: ‘Act in the valley so that you need not fear those who stand on the hill.’”

… Silence…

Leader: “No one? Yeah, that was a hard one and I didn’t expect young people to get it. That was by a man named Danish Proverb. Okay, let’s try an easier one…” 

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Real Talk Tweets, Translated

“Real Talk” Tweets, Translated to English

Real talk this woman at work said I was a hoe cuz I’m polite to everybody??? Smh

Translation: Even though I am a male, this young woman at work with whom I would like to have intercourse referred to me as a slang term for a prostitute, because I have been giving her inappropriate but otherwise harmless compliments at work. I often give compliments to other people, so I do not understand why she has referred to me with such a derogatory term. I shake my head in resignation. Real Talk.

i just be chillin dog real talk

Rest assured, fellow male companion, that I am not, in fact, out and about. Rather I am at home, doing very little, although I may take out a dirty magazine later. You may call me on my cellular phone and I will answer. Real Talk.

Real talk yall should be trying to talk to me while yall can cause imma be off Twitter and not accepting calls or txt for a min

Fellow Tweeters! I am very lonely, and I hope you can send me a text message or call me from your mobile phones soon. If I do not receive any correspondence, I will probably spend time away from Twitter.com and focus instead on my studies. Although I refer to the time I will be gone as one minute, that is simply so that you do not worry about the length of my return. The actual length will be several hours, possibly days. Real Talk.

Knew I should of stayed in my bed real talk

Forgive my atrocious grammar, as I recently woke up from an attempt at sleep, but found myself wide awake and unable to resume slumber. It’s also important for me to note that this talk is not false. It is in fact, real. Real Talk.

I am such a sweetheart so if you can’t handle positive feedback , don’t chat with me . Simple as that .Real talk

I intensely dislike people that do not realize what a wonderful and complimentary person I am. If you do not see how unflappably nice I am in everything that I do, please do not consort with me, because you will not like the never-ending positivity. If you do not understand this then there may be something wrong with you. Real Talk.

ima tag u and it is wat it s real talk u let me no

Hey buddy, let’s play tag! Rest assured that when we play the game of tag, we won’t make up new rules as we go along like Calvinball. We are absolutely playing real tag as long as you let me, but if you don’t let me then it’s okay, and I still appreciate your friendship. Real Talk.

17in starts at $2499? lmao Apples is tryin it lol, but real talk I buy laptop every 6 months cause they die, but APPLE doesn’t so, 3 yr deal

The surgery would be very expensive, but I think it will be good for my adult movie career. My friend Apple is trying it, and I find that absolutely hilarious! Speaking of Apple, I tend to purchase laptops every six months because they have a tendency to break down over time. Apple Computers do not. That is why I have signed a three year agreement with them, even though no such agreement exists. Real Talk.

Aite real talk imma tat “Every day I’m hustling” on my 4head doe

I never want to be employed with any non-fast food organization. Real Talk.

Glamour Girls dont have stained underwear REAL TALK

I have a Model Mayhem account because my boyfriend tries to take photos of me when I’m changing and calls me sexy. Now that I have registered such an account, I act as though I am a real model because I let many male strangers take my photo. They have purchased a $1000 camera so they must be legitimate. Now that I am a real model, I judge all other non-models as beneath me. Real Talk.

I have flashblack alllll theee time now idek y bro real talk

… I have no idea what this means. Real Talk.

The bears powers are derived from their pink socks. Real talk.

I am a hipster that is using real talk ironically. I did this before it was cool. Real Talk.

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Every Yelp Review Ever

Every Mexican Place:

I’ve been to Mexico, so I know good Mexican food, and this place was not authentic. The burrito was not nearly messy enough and the tacos didn’t have enough of that spice I’ve never heard of, and my opinion on this matters because I once went to Cancun during Spring Break and went to this one Mexican place drunk and what I remember from it was amazing so I now judge all other Mexican places on their “authenticity” rather than comment on the food itself and whether or not it was any good. I also haven’t actually been to Mexico, but I can pretend I did because I did once vacation in California. Northern California. I also tried a churro, and it was not bad. You should trust my opinion on this because I have a Mexican friend, although he might be Cuban.

Every Cupcake Place

OMG CHOCOLATE FROSTING EXCLAMATION POINT GOODNESS!!!!!!!1 everything about this cupcake was dreamy, and it was so dreamy that i dont use any capital letters or proper grammar for the rest of the review. chocolate and vanilla and some other random flavor is yum, and even though i paid 3 dollars and 50 cents for a dessert that is literally half the size of a muffin for twice the price, i talk about how great it is and how fat it will make me and that i need to lose weight but it’s okay because i had a cupcake laugh out loud!!!!!1?!?2#!!!!

Every Realtor or Car Sales or Chiropractor or Other Non-Retail Business

I have been using name of business for years. I write like I have been on Yelp for a while, but in reality I signed up for this account because I am friends with the owner, which is why I have given it 5 stars and refer to the business owner by name throughout the review, discussing why that business owner is so helpful using phrases like “Liz has personally cleaned my home for years” and “Bill is an excellent repairman.” Fortunately because I don’t write like an idiot, the Yelp filter doesn’t realize I’m clearly a fake review that was requested by said owner even though no one ever refers to any business owner by name so it’s pretty obvious this review is fake. Five stars, and I will certainly be using this service I have probably never used again!

Every Ethiopian Place

This is not authentic Ethiopian food, but it’s okay. I mention it’s not authentic even though the only reason it’s not authentic is because if it was authentic, there’s a good chance it was made in a shack and carries disease. Still, I have to point out that it’s not authentic because I either know black people and want someone to know how not racist I am or I have been to Ethiopia and mention it to everyone I meet to show how not racist I am, because I am not racist. Also, the injera, which I spell correctly, is not as soft as it was back in Ethiopia where I was helping orphans because I am not racist, but it was adequate.

Every Speakeasy

Even though there are 300 reviews before me about this same place all within the span of a month, this is a speakeasy, so it’s really super duper hard to get in and you have to know someone and that’s why I’m really cool for having gone here but don’t go because you’ll ruin it even though I still gave it 5 stars and reviewed it publicly on Yelp thus increasing the likelihood that more people go here. The drinks were strong, and the bartender was friendly, and other generic things about a bar that make the speakeasy not unlike every other bar ever.

Every White Person’s First Experience at a Pho Restaurant

I wanted to give this place five stars, because I did something that I consider ethnic, but the service here was atrocious. First they asked for our order, then they gave us our food, then they left us alone. How dare they! I have spent years going to Olive Garden and getting waited on like I’m a 3 year old infant with a learning disability and I want everyone that serves me to do it with a smile that says “I just smoked a whole bunch of pot to get through this awful night!” The food was fine, which is code for “Great,” but because I had such bad service I give it only one star, even though in reality service is like maybe 10% of what makes a restaurant any good, and no one else’s experience is likely to be anything like mine.

Every Fast Food Review

I love this food but I tell you I hate it and review their awful bathroom instead. I give it one or two stars, even though I have 7 check ins here, because if I don’t I lose my Yelp cred and the 17 Asian girls I added won’t trust my opinion of food anymore or send me compliments that say “Hot Stuff.” I think one of them likes me, because she sends me lots of compliments. I’m going to ask her out at the next Elite Event.

Every Car Dealership

This place sucks.

Every Coffee Shop

While I don’t have any actual knowledge of the finer flavors of coffee and usually just order a mocha, I’m going to give this place 5 stars unless it is a Starbucks, in which case I give it 3 stars. If the Starbucks has hot baristas, 4 stars, because there’s a chance one of them will read my review and then we can have babies. For all non-Starbucks coffee shops, I ignore the fact that they all serve literally the exact same brand of coffee as every other non-chain coffee shop in the city because there is only one independent coffee shop supplier in the area, and instead focus on the fact that it’s not Starbucks, possibly ranting about how it’s important to support small coffee shops over big-business like Starbucks even though, once again, they all serve the same brand of coffee, so they’re not really any different than Starbucks. They also have good scones and free Wi-Fi.

Every Pizza Place Not in New York

Ever since I left New York, I’ve been dying for good pizza. Unfortunately, this one was only “amazing” and fails to live up to my standards that I have set based on this New York experience. The cheese was terribly fantastic, the crust was an awful golden brown, and the sauce was nothing short of exquisite, but in a bad way. Nothing will ever compare to the New York pizza I had that one time I was in New York.

Every Pizza Place in New York

This pizza place is not nearly as good as that other pizza place, which coincidentally was not nearly as good as that other pizza place. New York pizza is amazing, but I give this New York pizza place 3 stars because it’s not as good as this mythical, imaginary pizza place that I’ve never found or Yelped about. But man that place is good. This one is not nearly that good. Also there were flies.

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Mind Control Device Blueprint For Sale – $1000


Not For Use on Ferrets

Power Source Excluded for Safety

Genuine mind control device blueprint. Will reveal secret power source to winning buyer. Mathematically sound. Prototype worked on pet rats so actual device should be safe for human use. Do not use on ferrets as device causes explosive diarrhea. Great long term investment with the potential to make billions on the corporate market and be richer than Bill Gates. Device should market well, but in the event of a small marketing budget, simply place device on top of head of local billionaire and receive more funding. Easy to use and fun for the whole family. Great parenting tool. Paypal Payments accepted.

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Welcome to My Blog, Spammers

By reading this blog, you agree to waive any and all rights you had as a human being in your state or country of residence. You agree to place wild squirrels in your pants at all formal events and speak in fluent Vietnamese whenever you introduce yourself to Catholics. Any and all correspondence you have with me or with any one of my imaginary friends is eligible to be placed on this website in mockery fashion, and can and will not be used against you in a court of law without expressed, written consent of major league baseball.

There are only two types of people that read “Welcome to This Blog” posts, which means you are either a spammer or a stalker. If you are a stalker, I am not a girl, and I do own several rubber bands so rest assured your safety will be in jeopardy should you come within 100 meters. If you are a spammer, welcome! I’m glad to know my website has garnered enough traffic to warrant your canned meats. For only $2000, I will gladly write a post about how great your creams are. Food for thought.

This blog was not originally meant to be a rip off of David Thorne but it probably will be because I had all of these ideas to make this website interesting and then I read his stupid book and he already used a lot of them and now nothing I do will be original or clever. But that’s okay because I have good self esteem and he has yet to make any Phineas and Ferb references in any of his posts, so once I do that I win.

You should bookmark this website because there will be all kinds of hahas and laugh out louds in the future. If you wish to contact me, you can find me on most United States congress directories under my maiden name of John Boehner.

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