Dr. Ryan (Ry) Atpolis is a world renowned physician, with expertise in pediatrics, obstetrics, optometry, philosophy, psychology, and veterinary medicine. He has gracefully lent some of his spare time to SaystheLiar.com to provide answers to our reader’s health questions.
Q: Hi Dr. Ry. Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of stress. My girlfriend left me a few weeks ago, I’ve been having fights with my family. I feel intense anxiety every morning. I don’t know if I can handle it anymore. Any advice?
~Lost in Davis
I’m sorry to hear that, Lost in Davis. The unfortunate part of being human is that sometimes the bad things can feel like they group together causing an increase in stress that can be hard to manage. One of the best forms of stress release is a good cry. That’s why I’d like to recommend at least four doses of military grade pepper spray. Spray on each eye in rapid succession and you’ll find that the stress just melts away. Thanks for writing.
Q: Dear Dr. Ryan,
I’m in my mid to late 80′s and I’m starting to really feel the signs of aging. My health is deteriorating, my energy level is low… Even though I’ve lived a full and healthy life there are so many more things I want to do – so much more that I want to accomplish! Yet without this energy, I find it hard to do much more than sit at home and watch TV. Is there any way to regain some of that vitality I had in my youth so that I can stay active and continue to enjoy life?
~Asleep in Seattle
You know, it would be great if we could all live forever with the health and energy we had in our twenties. I remember a time when I was a fit, active, sexually virile young man, and now there are days when even I feel like just a shell of my former self. Still, anti-aging medicine has come a long way, and there are effective ways to boost your overall energy levels and feel that rush of adrenaline you used to feel in your youth. Before you go to bed, I recommend taking a healthy dose of military grade pepper spray. Make sure you get it all over your face to really feel its benefits. Thanks for writing.
Q: Dr. Atpolis,
Thanks for taking time out of your day to answer these questions. I really appreciate it. My question is a little unorthodox. I don’t have any health questions per se, but I did want to ask you a little about your job. Often you’re working in close proximity to all types of people with varying personalities, some of whom have likely taken dangerous and personality altering drugs like marijuana. I was wondering – have you ever been threatened or felt in danger while trying to treat a patient?
~You See Dave Is Cool
Well Dave, I wish I could say that my job was 100% safe all of the time, but unfortunately yes, I have been threatened on a regular basis. Just the other day, in fact, I had a patient that came into my office holding hands with her boyfriend, and I could tell they were about to attack so I had a nurse come in and kick them both in the stomach before spraying them in the face with pepper spray. A few weeks ago I had a patient with severe stomach discomfort. He tried to attack me by grabbing his stomach and leaning over and crying. I squirted him in the face with pepper spray, called security and had him arrested. Being a well-paid doctor has its dangers. Thanks for your question.
Q: Dear Dr. Ry. I feel like I’ve been getting sick more often recently. I’ve had a cold 3 times already this year, the flu once, tonsillitis, and shingles. These illnesses are driving me crazy. I’m missing work, I’m losing touch with my friends. But I’m only 26 years old and I should be in the peak of health. Is there anything I can do?
~Ows It Hurted
It sounds to me like you have a weakened immune system. This happens to a lot of young people that forget to integrate forms of “active resistance” into their lifestyle, in order to improve their NK Cells and augment their overall immune system. A few times a week, you should go to a public place like a park and sit down quietly. Then every once in a while move your left arm. Not that much – you don’t want to over-exert yourself. Just do it in a slightly visible manner to initiate your active resistance. Then shoot yourself in the face with military grade pepper spray. Thanks for writing.
Q: Dr. Atpolis. I’ve had issues with my daily health recently. On the one hand, I’m overweight, and trying to cut back on caloric intake in order to shed some fat. On the other hand, I feel like I’m not getting enough nutrition to satisfy my daily requirements. Any ideas?
You’re in luck, Vegetable Lova! The pure capsaicin found in high doses of military grade pepper spray has been deemed a vegetable by the FDA. It’s low in calories, and many unverified researchers in small sample studies have found that capsaicin has thermogenic qualities that promote weight loss. Thanks, and happy eating.
Q: Dear Dr. Atpolis,
I’m 19, pregnant, and struggling with my finances. I’m concerned about the health of the baby, and worried that my financial stress may cause the child to experience stress in the future. I’ve attended several peaceful functions hoping to garner support for those suffering like I am, but I was wondering if there is anything I can do to help raise my child safely.
Ah yes. It seems everyone is suffering from that condition these days. I recommend military grade pepper spray to the eyes and mouth. Clear that thing right up in just three days. Thanks for writing.
That’s all the time Dr. Atpolis has for the day. I’d like to thank Dr. Ry Atpolis for taking time out of his busy schedule to answer these reader’s questions. Tune in next week when Dr. Atpolis will show you how to perform brain surgery on yourself using nothing but a flash bomb and gumption.