My friend Ivy was out of the country. She asked me to text her landlord to get his email address. She gave me the wrong number, and this was part of the result:
Me: Hi. I am a friend of Ivy’s, who I believe is your tenant. She asked me if I could get her your email address so she can email you something about her apartment.
It: Are you fluent in dervish?
Me: Am I fluent in Muslim Monk? Not anymore.
It: Friend of Ivy’s, What is your name?
Me: (name)
It: Can I call you (retarded version of name)?
Me: You may not.
It: By the way, you totally have the wrong number.
Me: This is my surprised face. Thanks. Enjoy your day.
It: So the question needs to be asked. Are you a man or a woman?
Me: Very male.
It: Well we were having a debate at my company Christmas Party. Prove it was the voted response.
Me: I think ERA is a flawed pitching metric and that RBIs and runs are a poor indicator of individual batter contributions. I’m also really really good at driving.
It: What dude, we wanted a pic!
Me: Imagine Brad Pitt if his genes were spliced with the sparkly dude from that Twilight movie.
It: Edward or Jacob?
Me: Whichever one sparkles more.
It: What’s up with you and Ivy?
Me: I’m a big fan of plants that grow in brick mortar and/or cause itchy red welts during hikes.
It: Hikes being a euphemism?
Me: No. Welts was the euphemism. Hikes was literal.
It: So how old is your wife?
Me: Which one
It: How long have you been Mormon?
Me: Actually, I’m an Islamic Mormon of latter day Buddhists.
It: Are you Asian? And about this picture request.
Me: I am not.
It: Were you made in the 70’s?
Me: Am I getting something that makes this relevant?
It: Is something a euphemism?
Me: No. That would be “getting.” Someone needs to brush up on their urban dictionary.
It: Sorry, I don’t speak Muslim Monk.
Me: There is probably a Rosetta Stone for that somewhere.
It: I’m not familiar with Rosetta Stone but again I’m under 30.
Me: So am I. And they are those yellow boxes they sell at the mall to teach foreign languages.
It: By the same token, I do not want a Zhu Zhu pet because I am over 20.
Me: Your attempts to gauge my age are not subtle.
It: Then just fucking tell me.
Me: I don’t know what a zhu zhu pet is.
It: Do you own handerpants?
Me: I don’t know what those are but they sound amazing.
It: They are great for night blogging. You can probably find them at Archie McPhee
Me: I could also poke some badass holes in an old sock and rock it oldschool.
It: Well played Sir.
I received texts from this number for a few weeks after this before the person was upset I wouldn’t send a photo like they did on MySpace and stopped messaging me.
Chris at Helpdesk: Hello T! My name is Chris, and I’ll be your Help Support Contact.
